Grow(ing) Up

I know I say this every year (especially the last few ones) but time is FLYING by. It's mid-2012 and sitting here, I don't know how I got here. And by here, I don't mean sitting in front of my computer but rather me, who I am and where I'm going.


I've been reflecting a lot lately. Perhaps its because I have a half hour commute on BART every morning and evening or perhaps, circumstantially, I feel forced to think. But I realize that I'm struggling. I'm struggling career-wise, ministry-wise, and yes, personal life-wise. I'm not struggling because I don't feel close to the Lord but I'm struggling because I don't know what to do with the circumstances that the Lord has placed me in. I don't know where He is directing me post-law school, I'm not sure what more He is calling me to do for His Kingdom, and I struggle with honoring Him in my singleness. I feel unhappy but I'm not actually unhappy.


That certainly doesn't make much sense. I know. And how does one live in such a state for so long? Not knowing the answer, in the last few months, I find myself praying every morning for nothing more than His Grace to get through the day. For Him to help me fight my fears and confront my sins. God has certainly answered my prayers but as per His usual M.O., not in ways that I want or expect. Sanctification is indeed a humbling process.


To give you a glimpse as to what that has looked like, here's an example.
" For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil 1:21
In my arrogance, I always thought I knew what that means. "Take up the Cross daily" and "death is gain because it means spending it with Jesus." Simple. true. But I feel like I've never been challenged to take Paul's words to heart as I have the past few months and if I were really honest about it, years. To live = Christ. And yet, sometimes I feel like there is no Christ if someone were to look at my life. My challenge every second and every minute is to change that. See how I got to the "I feel unhappy but I'm not actually unhappy?" I can feel unhappy with my circumstances but with Christ, I cannot actually be unhappy because I am Saved. Rooting my joy in the Lord alone is the goal. 
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I'll end my ramblings here. Blogosphere, I'm sorry that all my recent posts have been not fun. Gone is the sarcastic blogger who sits and tries really hard to write witty posts. I share these things not for sympathy or for attention. This is merely who I am behind the jokes, the comebacks and the smiles. Human and in desperate need of Grace. :)